Here I am sitting in the comfort of home after completing a successful day of work. Managed to attend several meetings and get quite a bit done and hopefully there will be more things in the pipe line, most notably the possibility of getting a job in Brunie! This would, as the Arabs would say, a case of Inshallah, or God Willing.
Yet, with all this potential success after years of getting nowhere, I'm suddenly feeling sad and restless and I know why. I made the mistake that of becomming closer to a small child than I anticipated. I don't know but when little Thui heads back to Vietnam on Sunday, I will have lost the only the good thing that has touched my life in the past 4-years.
I didn't plan on enjoying the brief moments of family bliss that I've had with Han Li and Thui. I think the day I saw the little girl and knew that Han Li was a mother, I should probably have walked out. But I didn't because, I felt the need to stay and that need was the most powerful need that I've felt in quite a while.
Perhaps the more cynical amongst us would say that I feel for the classic trap of a Vietnamese girl hopping to hook a Singapore Guy. Who knows, perhaps I am being manipulated into something but I've been doing so with a happy heart. I don't know but each day I did things like take her to school and back felt like the most natural thing in the world.
Sometimes, the language barrier between Han Li and I gets frustrating but we've managed to get along. I know that little Thui has been the glue in our lives and although we never got the chance to be a real family in the sense of the word, the so called family moments that we had together were the most happy that I've lived.
I know that being a parent requires responsability and I'll end up having to give up many of the things that I've come to take for granted in my daily life. No more wild parties and the life where I could happily do with less would have to go. After the marriage with Gina came to its obvious end, I went into all these things with a relish. It was like I was dennied something wonderful. But not getting involved with these things for the two girls now seems quite wonderful.
But this is no longer going to be the case. In a few days, the little girl goes back and who knows how things develop between her mother and I. For a person who's enjoyed the unknown, wondering if I'll ever see the small one after Sunday makes me feel sad. I don't know why but I'm feeling an incredible sense of injustice against all the factors that have dennied me the chance to be happy.
When Han Li suggested that I might want to move to Vietnam, it felt so idealic. I guess this is as they say a world of dew and we accept that its world of dew.
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