Many Prostrations and the Happiest of Birthdays

I just turned 35 on Friday, 27 November 2009. As those of you who may have been following my rants here and on Facebook will realise, I've been going through something of a "third-life" crisis. It's like I realise that after 35-years, my contribution to life has been less than zero. I mean, I had one nasty excuse of marriage and a failed attempt at fatherhood to a little girl whom I love dearly. In terms of my career, I have gotten....well, no where really. I mean, I managed to help a few communities brand themselves but other than that, I don't even get myself onto the front page of Googling my name - the other two Tang Li's happen to be a Sung Dynasty Painter and a very sexy Go Player from China.

So, what can one do other than wallow in misery when you realise that you're life's achievements are pretty shit? Well, my other half and her little boy decided that I was going to change my frame of mind and actually be happy on my birthday and feel good about myself. Funny thing about Joyce is that she not only tells me I have talent and value, she actually makes me believe it.

Anyway, she couldn't get a babysitter for the little boy and so we ended up going out together. First thing he did when he saw me was to hand me a birthday card that he had made and then he started to laugh. I'm really touched, this was the only birthday card that I had recieved and something in me started to feel really good. We had a plan to do photo taking in Chinatown by a rickshaw but didn't quite pan out that way. It rained and then the Little Man decided that we needed to visit the "Tooth Relic" temple, which for non-Singaporeans is Buddhist Temple in the heart of Singapore's Chinatown.

Little Man decided that we had to see Buddha's and this temple had a lot of them. Been a while since I actually entered a Buddhist temple and said prayers and I suppose it was fitting that the Little Man decided that it was time for me to get in touch with my better nature. Ended up donating money to the temple and he actually got his mother and I paying our respects to the many Buddha's that resided in the temple.

Later on, Mother and I decided to sit out the foul weather in a cafe and then Mummy decided to take photos of me. Little Man sat in a corner playing with play dough but after a while decided that we needed him in the photo taking session. I think Mummy felt I could actually had some inner qualities that might be captured in photography and I'll leave people to judge on my Facebook profile. Personally, I think the better photos came when Little Man entered the picture.

After photo taking, Little Man decided enough was enough and then wanted to go to...the temple and so we had another round of prostrations and offering of joss sticks.

Later that evening we deposited the Little Man back with his grandmother and she decided to buy me a romantic dinner. I'm not sure if the earlier prostrations had anything to do with it but somehow, during the dinner the magic that brought us together became exceedingly overwhelming. She got the guitarist to play Happy Birthday and then I requested he play the most romantic song he had. When the sounds of "My Valentine" started, it felt only right that I picked her up and we danced slowly around the restaurant. Ended up with the house applauding us and the musician coming to thank us for lightening up the house.

We had the most amazing evening evening together and we ended up holding each other till the sun rose. I don't know what it was, but this was really the happiest of birthdays that I could have had. Two days later, we're both talking about the magic that brought us together and I don't know what I did that I could have someone enter my life and make it feel so good and hopeful. When I should have been feeling down, she came in and made me feel so alive and so ready to take on the world. I mean, I've been in love before but I've never been so consumed by something so good before.

The Economy is on the mend so where's the money ?

It's now official but Singapore grew by some 3 percent and in the coming year, the Ministry of Trade an Industry thinks that we can grow by annual rate of about three to five percent a year. The word is out, we are officially out of recession and those of us who were about to lose our jobs can probably breath a sigh of relief. In a few months time, we may actually get that bonus.

I'm not popping the champagne quite yet. A week ago, I heard the phrase, "Budget" cut and lost a retainer client. I'm still trying to find a replacement to ensure that my bills get paid. The girlfriend tells me that things are looking up for her but I have a suspicion that she may be an exception rather than the rule.

Funnily enough, things were not that bad this year. Part of the reason for this was because budgets got set a year ago and although we knew things would be rough in 08, the corporate budget planners felt they could spare the pennies. However, the corporate budgets in 2010 are likely to be different - the budget was set in 2010 when everyone was in an gloomy mood. However, if the Ministry is right, we could be looking at a case where 2011 has some pretty optimistic news.

Leaving aside the economic figures, I think life will probably continue as before. The government will find a way of rising prices if people get more money into their pockets. This is Singapore, the one cheque economy and the writers of that cheque quite like it that way. People who are not beholden to the chque writer have a terrible habit of having indepdent thoughts about doing things differently.

Anyway, it's also looking like a good time to hae Yellow Skin. President Barak Obama happily completed his second deep bow to Emperor Akihito of Japan and he avoided rushing into the usual discussion on human rights with President Hu Jin Tao on his recently concluded Asian Tour. How things change? Back in 1997, the American President of the day had a lot of fun telling the Asians to get their life sorted out. Today, the American President is acting like a good boy - a well trained house nigger to a group of funny people the American public barely recognise. To put it crudely, it's the Nips and Chinks who are helping the Americans sustain a rather decadent lifestyle.

Let's put it this way, the cause of financial meltdown was not surprise. The world was living beyond it's means and eventually the party had to stop somewhere and now we're trying to recover from the hang over. The reason why the Asians haven't been as badly effected is because a lesser portion of them had the chance to afford the party. Asia, for all it's spectacular economic growth in the last two decades remains a very poor place, filled with very poor people. India for example used to occupy the top four positions on the Fobes Billionaire list and at the same time it has 400 million people living on less than a dollar a day. You can't turn the 400 million poor buggers into capitalist mad consumers until they can actually feed themselves.

But anyway, the million of Asians are somehow pulling the world of its worst economic crisis in nearly half a century and the world should be greatful for that. I'm not exactly sure about what we have to be greatful for? Yes, it's nice to see the Yellow and brown people buying up a few choice properties in London and New York but is it necessarily a wonderful thing that we're turning more people into the people who brought us this mess in their first place?

I mean it's always good to have a crisis once in a while. People need to be shaken out of certain complacencies fromt time-to-time. In 1997, Asia need to crash. Corrupt companies got shaken up and although millions got thrown onto the streets, the region quickly learnt to adapt and a generation that had grown used to instant success realised that it actually had to value it. There was some alighnment of social values.

However, it's hard to see it happening in this crisis. Yes, somewhere along the line there are words about the American consumer learning to save. But we've kept banks that behaved badly alive and companies like GM that made products nobody wanted, have yet to go the way of the dinosaur. While we shurg at the American consumer learning how to save - we're celebrating the way Asian consumers are going to become like American ones.

It will be interesting to see how sustainable the "recovery" is in light of such social transformations.

The Happiest Day of My Life

It's been a pretty rotten week but out of the rottenness, there was a silver lining - this weekend. The better half who had been to the Peninsula Excelsior Hotel, had fallen in love with the view from the "Sky Lounge," decided that what I needed was to spend an evening appreciating the magical view of Singapore's city centre from the 22nd floor. She also managed to get a room with a smaller but no less spectacular version of that view two floors bellow.

I have to admit, I was feeling a little down when I reached the hotel but when I saw her and the way she dragged me up to the room and then up to the lounge, something magical happened to me. Suddenly, I stopped feeling week and depressed and I perked up and we the proceeded to spend the most incredible time of our lives. We were able to talk, cry and share our hearts with each other. It's terrible for me to say this but words cannot describe the magic that took place between us but a magic did take place and it was good.

The magic was particularly strong at night when we looked looked down at tracked the places that were milestones in our relationship - places like where we had our first kiss. We kicked off our shoes, held each other together and danced very slowly to our own humming. I don't know why but we admitted that Saturday 14 November, 2009 was the happiest day of our lives.

Woke up next to her today and held her close to me. I think now I understand what it is like to be truly happy and I wonder why this happiness came to me much earlier.

I don't know what else there is. This entry exist to leave a public record of the happiness two people achieved. It was good that it happened. I really don't know why I was so keen on having relationships with women it was impossible to have them. It's like once this one entered my life, the rest..no longer mattered...Why can't love happen more often..?

Medicine

To say that yesterday was a lousy day would have been a major understatement. Not only did I end up in a dilemma with the other half, one of my key retainer clients decided that they would not renew and in fact cut the retainer in December. So, I spent the better part of the day stunned and the only bright spark of the day was being able to speak to Thui.

Anyway, she called and we had a long chat about things. She told me that it got frightening to see the way I had become so comfortable with the "not nice" people that I actually seemed to be one of them. She didn't give me any ultimatums but suggested that it was time I moved up a little in the world and she'd be there to help me up.

Funnily enough, she's serious. She just sent me an email to tell her that she wants me to be a better man. I'm a little taken back. I've never been involved with someone who actually has my interest at heart and wants the best for me. It's a sad admission for me to make but I've grown so used to having "bad" people, particularly women around me that having someone who is actually good is a bit of new experience to me and the best part is, she's not doing it to gain approval of friends and family but because she genuinely cares about me and for me, that's really strange......I mean it makes life as a misogynist quite complicated, I mean how do you think of women as useless and irrelevant when you've got one driving you forward like good medicine.

I remember my Dad did tell me, "It's true about about the woman behind the man." He would know, his current girlfriend, my "HK Stepmother" has been a dynamo for him. The woman keeps him sensible in his spending and ensures he does what he needs to do to bring in the money. My father paid of debts that nobody thought was possible (he refused to file for bankruptcy even though the banks advised him that it was in his interest to do so) and has quite a good life. OK, he's not as well to do as he once was, but he's made a comeback and I think the credit needs to go to her.

I've not made the money my father has. Hell, I'm usually bottom feeding and it's unusual to have someone by your side who cares and even though I actually have had a major income reduction, I think life is going to look a little brighter ;)

I Screwed Up and Screwed Myself

I haven't slept at all for the last 24-hours and I'm currently on one of those nervous energy highs. I think finally hit the point where I really screwed up the one thing in my life in recent months that was actually good for me. I'm trying to analyse all the things that I did wrong and seeing if I could back and rectify things. I'm trying to prepare myself mentally that I really screwed things up so badly that I'm going to have to rebuild myself from scratch. I'll be 35 on the 27th of the month and just when I thought I had the ability to take things off, I screwed up and instead of being ready to take off, I find myself trying to figure out what the hell I just did.

If you've followed this blog, you'll be aware that I am or rather as of now, was dating a woman I didn't think I'd ever get. I won't know where to start but let's just say the lady in question was the most amazing thing to touch my life. I don't know what happened but when we were together, we could shut the whole world out and instead of sleeping, we would actually end up talking the whole night away and still feel energized in each other's company. A few of my friends were against the relationship in as much as they felt it was a distraction. A few of her friends were against the relationship because they didn't like me. But by and large, most people who have seen us have commented on the amazing chemistry that we shared.

I don't think words can describe the relationship. It was just so magical and I think it was noticeable that I was really happy. My sister actually commented that I looked trimmer and was clearly happier with life than I was when she saw me last Christmas, where I wasn't exactly being traumatized. By her own admission, she was feeling happier at work and becoming more settled. Clearly this was something that was good for both of us.

Then I had to screw it up. OK, part of it is physical, for some reason, I've developed a mouth ulcer, which doesn't make me look terribly pretty. The other was probably a case of stupidity or a lack of communication. I don't know why but she decided she had to hang out with Zen and I in Geylang. She actually asked to meet Zen there before but they met at 7pm before the punters arrive. Suddenly she arrived on her own at 10pm and got the shock of her life. I tried to take her out. I knew she was scared and I wanted her to go somewhere else, but she insisted on staying until she couldn't take it and left.

I ran after her, jumped in a cab and waited outside her place. Sent her messages and then ended up walking around Labrador Park, which is near the sea. I really don't know why this had to happen but she's now shutting me out when communication once seemed so natural.

Yes, I know, this could be "Wuss" behavior but I really didn't know what else to do.

I really want to know what I might have done to hurt her but she's not telling me and suddenly, I'm starting to feel that the violence with Gina was mild in comparison. It's like you finally find someone you care about and who makes you want to be better and then your ugly past has to screw it up for you.

I'm not suicidal. I think I had to expect things to happen or if I didn't it says a lot about me and I've written her a note to say good bye and to ask that she ends it face-to-face. I had the happiest month of my life with her and I'm glad it was with her. For once I only wanted to be with one woman in every sense of the word.

What am I looking at now? I'm trying to be philosophical. It was a happy and intense month, one that I will probably never have again. So, I'm trying to tell myself that it was better to have had one month of bliss than nothing at all. Better to have loved and lost theory.

But the truth is, my mind is spinning out of control. I really don't want to go back to being the person that I was, one who was only interested in instant gratification. I want someone I can share my heart with. I mean I used to have the likes of the PGF around because it was just convenient to have someone to bitch about. Truthfully, I don't know if I have the strength to keep up the in and out of struggling to survive and doing things to get buy.

For once I had something good in my life, someone who could make me look forward to coming back to Singapore, not so much because this is where I get my income but for once, I had someone who made Singapore feel like I had a real home and something to look forward to.

What else can I say, I except I really screwed up this time and I hate myself for it.

The Pleasure of Culture

I'm suffering from a bit of jet lag and since I'm up in the early hours of the morning with an active brain, I thought I would rant a little to see if I can shut myself down so that I can return to somewhat "normal" hours.

Anyway, I thought I would rant about a subject that seems to be making the Singapore news quite a lot these days - foreigners. Like it or not, we live in age of globalisation and global mobility is the order of the day. In order to move beyond the mail room, one has to accept that one will have to travel at least once in a professional life. We have to accept that some stage or another, we are all going to be "foreigners."

This is especially true if you come from a small state like Singapore. The nation was founded as a trading outpost and it's prosperity has always depended on being open to trade with the rest of the world. Like every prawn in the ocean, Singapore needs to swim with the big fish in order to survive and that means being open to large inflows of people from all over the world. As much as I may sometimes understand and sometimes understand with the rants of my fellow countrymen, isolation does not work. Let's put it this way, the only country that prides itself in being isolated from the world is North Korea.

Singapore has been a role model for many small state-lets across the world and one of our most prominent students is Dubai, the second largest Emirate in the United Arab Emirates (UAE). As far as the rest of the world is concerned, Dubai stands out as a friendly example as an "Arab" success story that didn't depend on oil. Until the recent economic crisis, Dubai had such a glossy image that my Saudi friends at Aramco who were running an event in Singapore, were actually asked, "Which part of Dubai do you come from?" (The only remark I got was, "Geography must be taught really badly in Singapore")

Just as Singapore has thrived on an image of modern efficiency in a region not known for it, Dubai has thrived being a bastion of openness in a region not known for it. No where is this more visible to me than in the airport. Dubai airport (like Singapore's Changi) is an architectural wonder. It's a place of thriving commerce, every brand known to modern capitalism is there and guess what, there are places where non-Muslims can get a drink.

To a lot of people, this is fun. If you ask 10 people where they'd rather visit, Riyadh, Tehran or Dubai, 11 of them would say Dubai and it's easy to see why. As a foreigner in Dubai there are ways of getting a drink and seeing girls that not covered up - in fact Dubai has every convenience of the modern world and more - if you want to go skiing, you don't need to go to Switzerland, Dubai has it's own ski resort with artificial snow.

Like Singapore, Dubai is exceedingly "foreigner" friendly, which is probably why I found my two lay overs in one of the world's most glamorous airports to be - disappointing. My reasons for finding Dubai airport disappointing are pretty much the same reasons why trips across the Causeway are so necessary for sanity.

Call me sentimental, but I do miss the sight of men in thobe and women in their abaya's. Say what you like about Riyadh but you know you are in the Middle East, you know you are in the Arabian heartlands. Dubai or at least Dubai airport feels so "Modern" it actually looks like any where else. My favourite thing about the entire place was the fact that I could hear announcements in Arabic. That was literally only thing telling me that I was actually in the Middle East.

I am enough of a realist to realise that sentimentality for the "Old" way is usually just that. Much as I bitch and moan about Singapore, I live here because there is a lot to be said about being able to walk on clean, safe streets and drinking water from the tap. I think the same can be said about Dubai, when compared to it's regional neighbours.

Yet, there's something missing in these small state-lets, which their larger, regional neighbours have - I think the right term is culture or if you want to get personal, a soul. I like living in Singapore thanks to its modern infrastructure. Yet, I feel exceedingly depressed whenever I come back from Bangkok, which is by comparison, dirty and smelly. Bangkok has a certain charm to it and for all the apparent "ugliness" people get on with life and they adapt. I remember going out for dinner in an Italian restaurant in Bangkok, when the lights went out (power shortage). Instead of walking out or shutting down, the restaurant was quick to provide candle light and dinner went on as normal. You won't get the power outage in Singapore but then again, you don't get pleasant service either.

I've never really lived in Dubai so I can't make a fair comparison for the Middle East and I wonder if you can, but I suspect that I may not be far of the mark.

Modernity or at least the Western version of it is exceedingly comfortable and I can see why people like it, I do. But it's not the be all and end all of everything. Yes, it's important to be "foreigner friendly," but as a foreigner one should also learn to appreciate your host for their culture and what they are.

Take the example of language. In Singapore everyone speaks English or at least a version of it. As a foreigner there's no need to learn the "local" language. That's not true of Thailand. While a lot of Thai's speak some English (particularly in Bangkok), you do need to learn a few sentences of Thai to get by. I believe that this is correct, why should the Thai's be the only ones making the effort to communicate particularly when they are in their own country.

On the international scale, the France became known as the only place in Europe where one had to know French. The French let be known that they could speak English by they refused to. I used to find that inconvenient but now, when I look back at it, the French are right. You have to accept globalisation and certain cultural aspects of it such as being able to speak the "modern" global language of English but why should you be the only one doing all the adaption and adoption. You can't just expect the host to be good without the guests being good too.

Take the issue of Sharia law. I think Muslims in the West have no right to ask Western governments to have a special exception for Islamic laws. If you want to live in the West and earn Western pounds, Kroner or Euros, you have to accept that you live under Western laws. Practice your own religious beliefs in your own private space but leave them out of the public arena.

On the other hand, I also admire Saudi Arabia for applying Sharia to all. I remember feeling quite perturbed by a couple of Americans in Riyadh who told me, "Do Westerners have to follow the same rules." Of course they should bloody well follow the rules. Just as it's annoying to listen to Muslim shopkeepers in the West demand religious customs override local laws, I get very upset when I hear executives of multinationals who expect to be treated differently. When you are welcomed to a country where you are provided with a good life and a chance to prosper, you should be have the decency to follow local customs and enjoy what the local culture has to offer instead of expecting special treatment. Call me strange but I find it disturbing that I can get drinks easily in a country where the laws are primarily Sharia. Why should foreigners expect to get exemptions? If your drinks are so important to your daily life, don't except a posting to a country where it is against the culture and more importantly the law.

As a Singaporean, I think our greatest moment of shame came when we actually reduced Michael Faye's canning by two strokes. We should have increased it by two. We all know that Mr Faye only got the reduction because the President had to give his two cents worth. Contrary to what our leaders may have thought, this move would not have scared off American expats - they will continue to come to Singapore as long as they can make money. Michael Faye's family were happy to accept the comfortable posting in Singapore but suddenly changed colours when they had to face the same laws as everyone else.

It's right that cultures get crossed. Cultural chauvinism can lead to many unpleasant things. Cultural diversity makes life more interesting and colourful. Contrary to what people may think, cultures are dynamic and constantly evolving. Hollywood dominates the global movie scene because of America's cultural diversity and dynamism. However, cross cultural flows need to be managed carefully, and people need to understand each other. Yes, we have to accept foreigners as part of the cultural landscape and we need to give them their own space but do we really need to do it to an extent where our own identity gets lost and we lose our purpose for someone elses?

Who Brings Change?

You have to thank US President Barak Obama for making the word "Change" a fashionable expression. Thanks to his campaign slogan of - "Change, yes we can," everyone is crazy about the benefits of change.

On the whole, I think President Obama has made some important noises about change. Although I don't agree with his prescription, I think he's rght to want to change America's healthcare system, which remains the most expensive in the OECD but continues to leave millions without access to healthcare. His policies in the Middle East have yet to be fully formed but he did make right sounding noises about change.

However, as much as President Obama has talked about change, one has to ask if things are really going to change. A lot of what he's offered to change remains in the rethoric stage and as far as many in the Middle East are concerned, the ground realities have not changed - Israel continues to violate peace treaties by building illegal settlements without so much as a peep from the Ameriacn government, which helps finance these illegal occupations. If there's anything we should be aware of, it is the unchanging fact that new leadership of any organisation will always talk about change and very often keep the status quo. Existing systems are for the most part so comfortable, that the people who spend their lives fighting the system end up being seduced by it. Chinese history is full of examples of hords of barbarians conquering China and then being seduced by the Chinese way of lfie. The same can almost be said of the Western World. Today, the up and comming powers of the world are China and India and how did they do it? They adapted Western technologies and systems.

So, what exactly is real change? I was reminded of three men in the last few days, thanks to the 20th anniversary of the Fall of the Berlin Wall (Which is being covered extensivly in Europe), namely former Soviet President Mikhil Gorbachev, Former State President of South Africa, FW De Klerk and the late Israeli Prime Minister Yitzahk Rabin..

What made these men so unique? They were men who fundimentally altered the systems they were brought up in. Gorbachev was no democrat, he was a communist apparatchik at heart. De Klerk was a sicon of the arpatheid system and Rabin was until his seventies a Zionist who fought to for Israel`s right to control various lands. Non of these men set out to change the system they were brought up in but ended up changing their systems fundimentally. Gorbachev ended the Soviet Union, De Klerk ended Arpathied and Rabin introduced the idea of land for peace in the Middle East.

I think what made the changes that these men brought onto their respective systems so profound was the fact that they were part of the system. Non of them wanted to change things radically and that was key to what they did? If you look at Israel, every Prime Minister has failed to make peace gestures the way Rabin did. Nethanyahu and Sharon never had intentions of making peace with the Palestinians, while Barak (who was incidentally a good soldier) failed to imagine the issues the other side would face. Rabin`s partner, Shimon Peres was an intellectual who talked peace but was too much of an intellectual who had no relationship with Israeli people in the same way Rabin could (Rabin was horribly inarticulate and his speeches were dull). Who sounds more believeable on security, a man who spent his life in a classroom or a man who spent his life in the trenches? In South Africa it was something similar, only De Klerk could have persuaded White South Africa that it was time for the system to change.

Needless to say, the changes that these men brought were not always well thought out. The Soviet Union collapsed faster than Gorbachev could manage and so he had to hand over the spotlight to Yeltsin. After Rabin, every Prime Minister has shown no desire to puruse his dreams. Ariel Sharon even went as far as to provoke the seond intifadah.

People who bring change make enemies and its often those who have the most to lose from the system who bring them down. With Gorbachev it was the communist party. De Klerk could not hold back that "black" South Africa wanted a Black Hero (Nelson Mandela). Rabin was not shot by some suicide bomber from the Arab World but by a Jewish Extremist.

It takes courage to bring about change and it often begins with personal changes. Change bringers often suffer and are reviled during their lifetimes. Of the three, De Klerk has probably retained the most respect thanks to the fact that he quietly slipped away from public life. Gorbachev has had to do something similar while Rabin paid with his life.

History is also being in the process of being writen so the way these men are remembered will change according to the times. Gorbachev played a role in the demise of the Soviet Union, yet his most popular successor (Putin) has restored many aspects of the Soviet Union. Israel remains further away from a peace treaty than anytime in history and South Africa is known for signs of ungovernability like corruption, crime and HIV. This can make some nostalgic for old fashioned authoritarianism.

But I believe history may actually be kinder. As popular as some of Putin`s harsher policies may be, few Russians are clamouring for the Soviet Union to come back. White South Africans are happy to vote ANC and think of the Abdullah Peace initiatives of 2002 and 2006 - The idea of Land for Peace exisits.

Change is hard an unpopular but in the end, its often necessary and it takes courage to ensure it happens.