If you've followed this blog, you'll be aware that I am or rather as of now, was dating a woman I didn't think I'd ever get. I won't know where to start but let's just say the lady in question was the most amazing thing to touch my life. I don't know what happened but when we were together, we could shut the whole world out and instead of sleeping, we would actually end up talking the whole night away and still feel energized in each other's company. A few of my friends were against the relationship in as much as they felt it was a distraction. A few of her friends were against the relationship because they didn't like me. But by and large, most people who have seen us have commented on the amazing chemistry that we shared.
I don't think words can describe the relationship. It was just so magical and I think it was noticeable that I was really happy. My sister actually commented that I looked trimmer and was clearly happier with life than I was when she saw me last Christmas, where I wasn't exactly being traumatized. By her own admission, she was feeling happier at work and becoming more settled. Clearly this was something that was good for both of us.
Then I had to screw it up. OK, part of it is physical, for some reason, I've developed a mouth ulcer, which doesn't make me look terribly pretty. The other was probably a case of stupidity or a lack of communication. I don't know why but she decided she had to hang out with Zen and I in Geylang. She actually asked to meet Zen there before but they met at 7pm before the punters arrive. Suddenly she arrived on her own at 10pm and got the shock of her life. I tried to take her out. I knew she was scared and I wanted her to go somewhere else, but she insisted on staying until she couldn't take it and left.
I ran after her, jumped in a cab and waited outside her place. Sent her messages and then ended up walking around Labrador Park, which is near the sea. I really don't know why this had to happen but she's now shutting me out when communication once seemed so natural.
Yes, I know, this could be "Wuss" behavior but I really didn't know what else to do.
I really want to know what I might have done to hurt her but she's not telling me and suddenly, I'm starting to feel that the violence with Gina was mild in comparison. It's like you finally find someone you care about and who makes you want to be better and then your ugly past has to screw it up for you.
I'm not suicidal. I think I had to expect things to happen or if I didn't it says a lot about me and I've written her a note to say good bye and to ask that she ends it face-to-face. I had the happiest month of my life with her and I'm glad it was with her. For once I only wanted to be with one woman in every sense of the word.
What am I looking at now? I'm trying to be philosophical. It was a happy and intense month, one that I will probably never have again. So, I'm trying to tell myself that it was better to have had one month of bliss than nothing at all. Better to have loved and lost theory.
But the truth is, my mind is spinning out of control. I really don't want to go back to being the person that I was, one who was only interested in instant gratification. I want someone I can share my heart with. I mean I used to have the likes of the PGF around because it was just convenient to have someone to bitch about. Truthfully, I don't know if I have the strength to keep up the in and out of struggling to survive and doing things to get buy.
For once I had something good in my life, someone who could make me look forward to coming back to Singapore, not so much because this is where I get my income but for once, I had someone who made Singapore feel like I had a real home and something to look forward to.
What else can I say, I except I really screwed up this time and I hate myself for it.
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