http://www.todayonline.com/articles/136813.asp
Voices // Thursday, August 17, 2006
I Say
Terrance Ang
IT'S good that the Government has recognised there are men who suffer from domestic abuse and that these men are victims in need of help ("Reaching out to males in abuse cases," July 19).
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But much more needs to be done to solve the problem. And to do so, I believe we need to look at some cultural facts.
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Communication, for example, is an area that women excel in, while men do not. Women are encouraged to talk. Men are admired for suffering in silence. Mrs Yu-Foo Yee Shoon, Minister of State for Community Development, Youth and Sports, was right to say that: "The men also need some skills on how to say 'no' to an unhealthy relationship and how to communicate with their wives."
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However, it's hard to communicate with a person who has an abusive nature. It's also hard to say "no" when you either do not recognise that you are in an unhealthy relationship, or feel you have an overwhelming responsibility towards the relationship.
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Men are culturally conditioned to the latter — we venerate men who sacrifice themselves for their families. Women who run away from an abusive relationship are victims who became survivors. Men who run away from their relationships are irresponsible.
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I was married to an abusive woman for two years. Friends and family tried to warn me that I was in an unhealthy relationship. I, however, tried to convince myself that we would be able to work things out. It took one violent assault too many to make me realise that this was never going to happen, and so I took out a Personal Protection Order (PPO) against her.
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One thing was the fact that she had to have an abortion. Throughout the marriage, she used that against me, arguing that I was responsible for her suffering. It took me over a year to understand that she was equally responsible for what happened to her.
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Looking back, I count the violence as a blessing in disguise. It forced us to reevaluate our marriage. I recently spoke to an uncle trapped in an unhappy marriage with a partner who was not physically violent, but verbally abusive.
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He told me that he stayed with an abusive woman because it was "a no-brainer between leaving her and making his sons suffer, or putting up with her abuse and keeping the family together".
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Why do men think like this? Part of the reason is cultural.
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Even in this day and age of gender equality, men are considered the legal head of the household and have a responsibility towards the wife and the family. In Singapore, this is legally enshrined in the Women's Charter. This legislation even protects the rights of women in the event of a divorce. Men, on the other hand, do not enjoy such protections.
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While it is important to ensure that women and children receive support from ex-husbands, this piece of legislation denies women the ability to be responsible for their behaviour.
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A woman who takes out a PPO against a man has a stronger case when demanding support from him. A man who is awarded a PPO against an abusive wife is still legally obliged to provide financial support in the event of a divorce. Being awarded a PPO does not help a man win custody of the children either.
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We rightly discourage men from being violent towards women. Men who hit women for whatever reason are instantly vilified. But are we doing the same for the women who are abusive towards their husbands and children? Clearly not.
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So let's get serious and make the PPO count for something regardless of which sex takes it out. Imagine if women who have PPOs taken out against them incurred an automatic penalty against — or even lose the right to — any potential maintenance claims. Imagine if their chances of claiming custody was halved.
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It's time we made deserving parties suffer the same consequences for their actions, regardless of gender.
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This article was contributed by a freelance writer. A pseudonym was used to protect both parties' privacy.
Copyright:(C)MediaCorp Press Ltd：2006
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